In the interest of getting “hard” copies of my work under one roof, I plan to spend the next few weeks posting the entire archive of my film journalism here on ScullyVision. With due respect to the many publications I’ve written for, the internet remains quite temporary, and I’d hate to see any of my work disappear for digital reasons. As such, this gargantuan project must begin! I don’t want to do it. I hate doing it. But it needs to be done. Please note that my opinions, like everyone’s, have changed a LOT since I started, so many of these reviews will only represent a snapshot in time. Objectivity has absolutely no place in film criticism, at least not how I do it.
The most extreme letter in the alphabet is inarguably X, and the only thing more extreme than just one X is three! xXx or ‘Triple X’ is not just the most extreme combination of letters, but it’s also the name of the most extreme action franchise of all time. It started in 2002 with xXx, a re-teaming of Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel, the duo that struck gold in 2000 with The Fast and the Furious. In 2005 a follow up film was released called xXx: State of the Union (unless you were outside of America where the term ‘State of the Union’ has no meaning, in which case it was called xXx: The Next Level). This second time around, Lee Tamahori took the reigns and shook things up by placing action superstar Ice Cube into the starring role. At this point the franchise mysteriously went dormant, leaving X-Heads like myself wondering when we’d get our next fix of pure cinematic adrenaline. The years passed and it seemed like we were chasing a dragon. xXx appeared to be a dead series, and we’d just have to settle for the decidedly un-extreme action stylings of The Raid, Edge of Tomorrow, and the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
But then, just when it looked like all hope was lost, a new xXx movie was announced AND VIN DIESEL WAS COMING BACK!!!!!! It’s clear now that the franchise wasn’t dead, it was merely resting, gaining strength to bring us to most extremest, awesomest, high-fivinest, extremest, extreme, extreme, festival of extremeness EVER.
Yup, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is hitting theaters in less than a week, and if you’re anything like me, you spent all weekend revisiting the first two films. But if you aren’t like me (nobody is this extreme, except maybe Xander Cage), then fear not. I’ve broken down everything you need to know about xXx to prepare you for whatever majesty may await us at the multiplex next weekend.
xXx (dir. Rob Cohen, 2002)
The first scene of the movie happens before the movie actually starts. In it, I look at the runtime of the film and wonder how the hell it can be over two hours long. The scene lasts about 15 minutes until I decide that if I don’t press play now, I may never actually do it. But then a look comes over my eyes – one that says “let’s get extreme” – and I press play.
Xander Cage is an extreme sports star who does crazy stunts on camera that double as acts of low-level terrorism, usually against figures of authority. Since it’s only 2002 and YouTube and camera phones aren’t really a thing, he actually has to carry cameras and stuff. He has affixed cameras to a stolen convertible, which he nabbed from a racist rich dude who though Cage was a valet. He drives the car to a bridge and says things like “I’m extreme and the guy I stole this from thinks that video games cause violence and I think he’s wrong and not very extreme. Welcome to the Xander Zone!” He then drives the car off the bridge and surfs on it for a bit until he pulls a parachute while Tony Hawk watches. Remember him? He was my favorite video game. Elsewhere, at a Rammstein concert, an agent is killed by bad guys. The agent’s boss, Sam Jackson, who has horrible facial scarring as a result of poor FX makeup, decides they need a new agent. But this new agent has to be extreme. Guess who they pick … no, not John Ritter (which would’ve been appropriately extreme), Xander Cage!!!
He puts Cage into disastrous situations on purpose and calls them tests because he works for the NSA and can do things like that. One of the tests involves blowing up a cocaine farm with motocross. Sam Jackson is like “you passed, Cage,” and Cage is all like “please, call me Triple XXX,” and then says stuff like “back off, old man” and “if its too loud you’re too old.” He drinks SoBe tea. Sam Jackson tells him “either do as I say or I’ll take you to jail,” so Triple XXX does what he says.
He goes to Germany which is where bad guys live and becomes part of their gang. He’s gotta pretend to kill a good guy in order to make the bad guys think he’s a bad guy too. Good thing his gadget guy, Shaver (that’s his name), gave him bullets that just knock you over and shoot fake blood (extreme!). He meets a girl who is totally doing it with the bad guy but it turns out she’s actually a good guy. So instead, her and Triple XXX start doing it.
The bad guy has built a solar powered submarine that he plans to use to blow up good guys and take over the world (extreme, admittedly), and it runs on a hard drive. In order to break the antenna that powers something or other, Triple XXX has to sky surf out of a plane and onto a mountain where he snowboards on an avalanche and says “there’s nothing like fresh powder,” which is such an extreme thing to say, because he’s just so relaxed even though if I were to snowboard on an avalanche I’d be freaking out for at least the rest of my life.
Oh I forgot! Triple XXX grinds a rail on a dinner tray. It’s such a sick trick.
The bad guy launches his submarine and it’s up to Triple XXX to stop it, so he chases it in his car, shoots a harpoon at it, flies behind it on a parachute, and then ziplines onto it (extreme!). He then turns the missiles upside down so that the submarine blows itself up. Before all of this happens he shoots the bad guy with a machine gun. It’s not that extreme, given the circumstances.
Triple XXX and the girl go to Bora Bora where they totally do it and ignore phone calls from Sam Jackson so that they can do it more.
The Final Chapter: The Death of Xander Cage (Short Film – I don’t know who directed it)
This was a special feature on the DVD for the second movie. In it, Triple XXX is blown up by bad guys and is presumably dead. When know this because the part of his neck that has the xXx tattoo hits the ground after the explosion. It’s really gross (psssst I bet he’s not actually dead since he’s in the third movie). It’s not nearly as extreme as it wants to be.
xXx: State of the Union (dir. Lee Tamahori, 2005)
For some reason the agency from the first movie that used to be the NSA is now just the xXx agency and they have Triple XXX’s neck tattoo painted as their logo everywhere. I like to think that they hired the original tattoo artist to do the corporate artwork because that means the xXx association cares about artists, which is a positive thing and it helps me root for them to win. After their base is attacked by bad guys, the boss, Sam Jackson (whose face is a little bit better now) says “since Triple XXX is dead we’re gonna need a new Triple XXX, but instead of having him do extreme stuff we just want him to be mean.” Well where do you find mean people? The big house, that’s where! For those not in the know, I’m talking about jail.
Sam Jackson goes to a jail where Darius Stone is being held for something or other. He says “listen, Darius, I need you to be Triple XXX on account of how mean you are,” and Stone is like “we used to be friends, but now I’m in jail so I’m mean.” Sam Jackson won’t have it. He’s all like “look at my face! Its better than in the first movie but it’s still worse then jail! Tomorrow at 12:06 I need you to break out of prison and I’ll pick you up in a helicopter so you can be the new Triple XXX.”
The next day, Triple XXX breaks out of prison (so extreme) and jumps onto a helicopter being piloted by Sam Jackson and Shaver from the first movie. Triple XXX is like “You’re late,” and Shaver is like “ah jeez, where do you find these guys?” and Sam Jackson is like “Jail. We find them in jail.”
The President wants there to be no war, but Willem Dafoe (who has an extreme lisp) wants there to be war. Meanwhile, Triple XXX, Sam Jackson, and Shaver hide out in the hood at a chop shop run by a mechanic lady with massive cleavage (extreme). Apparently her and Triple XXX used to do it back in the day before he went to jail. One of the mechanics is played by Exhibit.
It becomes clear that many years ago Sam Jackson, Triple XXX, and Willem Dafoe were in war together and because of this, both Sam Jackson and Triple XXX know Willem Dafoe is bad. Through a bunch of chatter they find out that Willem Dafoe plans on taking a private army to the State of the Union Address to kill the president and anyone else in the chain of command above Willem Dafoe which would make him president and let him do all of the war he wants.
Sam Jackson is killed in an explosion that was made to look like an accident by Willem Dafoe. We all know he’s not dead though because he’s in the third movie for sure. It’s on IMDb.
Triple XXX meets up with a senator’s daughter for some reason who also has extreme cleavage. It turns out she’s a bad guy so he pistol whips her. I laugh at this. Then Scott Speedman shows up (don’t worry he’s just a dude and not a Lycan). Triple XXX is like, “Scott, I’m not bad. Your boss is bad and I’m good,” and Scott Speedman is like “I want to believe you, but there’s still about an hour left in this movie so I’m gonna need some convincing.” Scott Speedman leaves and sends in a swat team to pick up Triple XXX, but their heat vision leads them to a bathtub filled with microwaved food that Triple XXX made as a decoy (extreme).
Triple XXX goes to a boat where he finds a bunch of dudes, including Sam Jackson, who are being held prisoner by the senator’s daughter. Triple XXX pistol whips her again and Sam Jackson says that he shouldn’t pistol whip her – he should kill her. I laugh at this. Triple XXX busts everybody out and takes them to the hood so that he can get Exhibit and friends to stop the attack on the White House.
He and his crew build a bunch of super cars and get into a tank fight outside of the White House. Inside of the White House, Willem Dafoe tells the president that he’s the bad guy and instead of killing him, he gets on the Presidential Escape Bullet Train. Triple XXX follows the train in an extremely fast car while Sam Jackson and Scott Speedman follow it in a helicopter. Triple XXX’s tires pop which allow the rims of his wheels to drive on train tracks. He leaps from the car to the train and fights everyone on the train. Scott Speedman extracts the President by hanging off the helicopter on a harness, leaving Triple XXX and Willem Dafoe on the train alone. Since the train is crossing a river, Triple XXX dives off the train while Sam Jackson blows it up with missiles, killing Willem Dafoe. Since water is hard, Triple XXX shoots a bazooka at it to soften it before he hits (extreme). Oh and at some point Sam Jackson shoots the senator’s daughter and says “See? You should have killed her.” I laugh at this.
Triple XXX and the mechanic lady are now in love and Sam Jackson says “lets get a new Triple XXX … I know just the candidate.” But we all know this doesn’t happen because Vin Diesel is back in the new one.
So there you have it, Cinedelphians! Are you ready? Grab a Mountain Dew, bare those tribal tats, and crank the Crazytown. This Friday, ITS TIME TO GET EXTREME.