I feel like a broken record saying this, but I apologize for the late turnaround on reviews lately. The powerful combination of grief (RIP Scott, I’ll miss your dumb ass forever), work (overworked, underpaid), and filmmaking (distribution acquired!) has me operating on fumes of fumes of fumes. But as a member of the press, it would be a dereliction of duty not to issue reviews of everything my press status grants me, and as such, I have for you reviews of two movies that are garnishing passionate responses from opposite ends of the spectrum. Unfortunately for me, I felt no strong passion toward either. One is decent, all things considered, and the other is lame, all things considered.
Let’s start with the latter.
Ice Cream Man (dir. Eli Roth)
I’ve always been a fan of Eli Roth’s films. I think Cabin Fever and Knock Knock are legitimately fantastic, and his Hostel movies are way smarter than they’ll ever get credit for. His children’s movie The House With a Clock in Its Walls is a legit banger of kinder-trauma, and his pointless remake of Death Wish is actually a lot of fun despite being somewhat of a cut-and-paste job. The Green Inferno is a bit misguided, but it’s hella gnarly, and it gets bonus points for its production, which took place in the depths of the jungle, starring an actual tribe of people who learned, in real time, what movies are. Love him or hate him, Roth has always been in the lineage of genre hucksters who clearly love fucking with viewers, his questionable politics notwithstanding.
This is why his latest film, which is not a remake of the infamous Clint Howard video store staple, is such a disappointment: that genre edge is all but gone. Short of a few inspired moments of gore, just about every piece of this bland, uninteresting film comes across as lazy. From the CGI blood spatter, to the atrocious dialogue, to the use of generative AI, all signs point to a filmmaker who is asleep behind the wheel. And it’s a shame, because with a few tweaks and a serious injection of energy, this could’ve been yet another fun throwback to add to the filmmaker’s oeuvre. Instead, it’s as forgettable as they come.
The film follows Jared (Charlie Zeltzer), a middle schooler whose lactose intolerance means he can never have ice cream. Not even after a little league game. This seems like bad news for any kid, unless of course, said ice cream turns you into a mindless zombie with a bloodlust for adult authority figures, which is exactly what happens. Now, with a town of children running around Weapons-style and ripping adults to shreds, it’s up to Jared to stop the attack and perhaps figure out just why this particular ice cream man has a taste for carnage.
One scene, which makes a clever and direct reference to The Birds, hints at the type of energy this film desperately needs, but otherwise it’s a rote, cheap looking parade of gore gags. To be fair, that isn’t always a bad thing (I love films that aren’t much more than glorified splatter reels), but the whole thing feels off. Roth has always relished being a bit of an edgelord, and it’s admittedly part of why I enjoy a lot of his work, but there’s just nothing here. A lot of folks are mad about this movie, for valid reasons, but in my humble opinion it’s just not worth the energy. I’m not mad I watched it, but I’m not about to recommend it to anyone.
Spider-Man: Brand New Day (dir. Destin Daniel Crettin)
My interest in superhero cinema has declined quite steadily since Avengers: Endgame, and it’s largely because most of the films function simply as pretty-looking commercials for whatever the next movie off the slop machine is supposed to be (there I go again, being a broken record). And anymore, few of these films are very pretty at all. I don’t need to get too deep into it since just a few clicks around my website will show you that this decline in quality (on their end) and interest (on my end) is very well documented. The latest Spidey outing is stuck between two worlds: it’s the last MCU film we’re getting before Doomsday, but it’s also supposed to bring friendly neighborhood Spider-Man back down to more local stakes.
While it miraculously balances the decrees of these opposing masters, it doesn’t do so with as much panache as it should. I really wish the script would pick a lane and stick to it. Alas, this is simply not the world we live in anymore.
The good news is that Brand New Day errs on the side of “local,” while finding mostly organic ways to tie in expanded universe names and faces. These being the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), The Punisher (Jon Bernthal), and the mysterious character that Sadie Sink is playing, who I’m not allowed to mention, and who you’d guess if you’ve ever read a single comic book (and since this is a late review, you already know about — still, I’ll play it safe). The plot is much more ornate than it needs to be, but at least it’s not doing the whole cosmic thing.
In the years since No Way Home, Peter, now forgotten by the entire world due to Doctor Strange’s spell, has been busting local crime while wearing a suit made of cloth (death to nano-tech costumes, the weakest shit ever). And while that in and of itself should be the whole movie, it’s not really a part of the movie at all. We get a slick montage of crime fighting, with shoutouts to a handful of Spidey’s rogues gallery, shown in visual references to classic artwork. Again, these clips should be expanded into a whole movie, but that’s not up to me. It’s up to Lorde Feige, who must serve the gods of commerce above all.
After the clip show, Peter crosses paths with an entity who can jump between people à la Fallen, a movie you should see (Go Birds!). This ability makes said villain particularly hard to catch on account of body-jumping being quicker than web-slinging. Things get even harder for our hero when his superpowers evolve. He’s got biological webs now, gained through some sort of arachno-puberty (which is the name of my metal band). And if that’s not enough, Spidey’s latest adventures have placed his former buds MJ and Ned in danger. You know the drill.
The Hulk makes an appearance, to perfectly fine effect, and we also get a few minutes with New Black Widow, who lives in a bathhouse now (I only saw Thunderbolts once, so maybe I’m forgetting a scene where she decided to live in a bathhouse). The Punisher shows up for some team-up action and some banter, the latter being the highlight of the film. This banter hints, again, at a superior film where Spidey and Punisher, local level heroes with differing viewpoints, team up to neutralize a local threat. But no, here they must neutralize a villain with an ability that could destroy the entire world! Big stakes! Commercials for future movies!
What happened on season 2 of Loki? I missed it. Where’s Daredevil? I didn’t have time to watch the more recent stuff.
Even with these complaints lodged, I still give the film relatively high marks. The performances are solid, the action looks mostly clean, and the story compels enough to keep everything swinging forward. There’s a sense of “New York as a character” that feels more present here than in previous entries, and the color scheme looks way cooler than the trailers indicate. Perhaps my biggest compliment is that the film takes a stylistic page from the Insomniac game series. Brand New Day is a well-made film that entertains in the exact way we all expect it to. It’s good stuff. Truly.
But in tendering a late review, I find myself struggling to remember much more about it. I had a blast with it. I was entertained. It was exactly what I signed up for. I’ll watch a million more. And while I can look fondly back on the Raimi trilogy with a tremendous amount of specificity, I couldn’t tell you a single thing about the MCU Spidey series beyond “yeah it was pretty good.”
Anywho, Doomsday looks awful. I’ll be there opening day.
