In the interest of getting “hard” copies of my work under one roof, I plan to spend the next few weeks posting the entire archive of my film journalism here on ScullyVision. With due respect to the many publications I’ve written for, the internet remains quite temporary, and I’d hate to see any of my work disappear for digital reasons. As such, this gargantuan project must begin! I don’t want to do it. I hate doing it. But it needs to be done. Please note that my opinions, like everyone’s, have changed a LOT since I started, so many of these reviews will only represent a snapshot in time. Objectivity has absolutely no place in film criticism, at least not how I do it.
I find it hard to believe that anyone was pining for a new xXx movie. I find it harder to believe that we actually got one. I find it almost impossible to believe that it was incredible. xXx: Return of Xander Cage was incredible.
Take that with a grain of crystallized Mountain Dew, of course. This isn’t high art by any stretch, nor is it really anything new. But it knows what it is and it goes for it. Hard. If you find yourself expecting anything different than what it delivers, you might need to reassess your life. To put it simply, this is the best xXx movie. I mean this in 2 ways: It’s the best entry in the franchise for sure. It’s also the best possible product which could result from the xXx formula. Granted, since the original film’s release, the Fast series has come to define action franchises, and this new entry has borrowed more than a little from the Fambly toybox (most notably the ensemble structure). Even so, xXx: ROXC is as refreshing as a crisp SoBe tea with a side of Crazytown.
“How can this be?” you surely exclaim. “According to the DVD special features for xXx: State of the Union, Xander Cage is dead!” How selfish of you to ask such a thing when the safety of the entire world is at stake? What difference does it make when it’s clear that faking one’s death is just something a xXx agent can do? Plus, do you reeeeeally want to stand in the way of hot tricks, sick flips, and killer combos? I THINK NOT.
Our adventure begins with a stunningly dated CGI credits sequence depicting a satellite falling from Earth’s orbit. The scene is longer than it needs to be, and is set to the most pulse-pounding PlayStation soundtrack you ever did hear. It starts the movie exactly how it needs to be started, and sets up the film’s oh-so-MacGuffiny MacGuffin. It’s called “Pandora’s Box” – a device that can pull satellites from orbit and use them as targeted explosives. And since someone just stole the device from the NSA, they’re gonna need the most extreme super agent to bring it back. You know who.
But Xander Cage (totally alive at this point) isn’t happy to work with a bunch of G.I. Joes. Nope. He’s assembled his own team complete with a sexually ambiguous assassin, a conspiracy theorist stunt driver, and of course, a DJ (extreme). Together they aim to take down a team of rogue agents who have possession of the device (including Tony Jaa and Donnie Yen). Also on the team is a scene chewing Tony Collette as the big boss lady, and an aggressive, BDSM enthusiast gadget girl. Yes, Agent Shaver has been replaced with a kinky nerd girl who is constantly saying things like “”we need to re-route the encryptions” or “Spank me, Xander Cage”
Did I mention that Xander Cage partakes in an orgy within the first act? Did I mention that it’s the film’s second sex scene? Well, Xander Cage partakes in an orgy within the first act and it’s the film’s second sex scene.
Good guys turn bad, bad guys turn good, and none of it really matters since the crazy stunts and massive action set-pieces just keep coming. We even get an answer to the question “can you surf on a sick wave using a motorcycle?” Spoiler: you sooooo can.
It’s easy to have forgotten how much charisma Diesel is capable of exhibiting, especially since much of his recent output has been in the form of the ever-brooding Dominic Toretto. Xander Cage, much the opposite, is a fun-loving, authority-shirking type, and it’s very clear how much Diesel is enjoying the performance, even if he is effortlessly out-cooled by Donnie Yen and the supporting cast. It’s especially fun to watch the verbal gymnastics employed by the writers to keep from calling this ragtag crew a “family.” Don’t want to step on any beefy franchise toes.
While we’re on the topic, the bonkers script feels like a relic of a bygone era where no punches are pulled regarding tasteless sexy talk, half-cooked social messages, and plenty of moments devoted solely to provide opportunities for ogling scantily-clad beach bods. Yet, it’s all so self-aware (Xander Cage even makes fun of his own dated tribal tattoos) that no one in their right mind could find the energy to apply today’s ever-present social awareness to it. If xXx: ROXC had even a pinky-toe in reality, perhaps, but that’s simply not the case. Motorcycle surfing. I promise that there is motorcycle surfing.
DJ Caruso proves himself an adept action director, staging multiple sequences with a clarity that is all but lost in the current film landscape. The hyper cuts are not weighed down by needless shaky-cam, and even though some longer takes could have been employed to shine a light on some very clever choreography, it’s a small price to pay to mask the hordes of bald stuntmen standing in for 49-year old Diesel. Most impressive is the variety of action film styles that Caruso apes. There are huge Mission: Impossible-style stunt-pieces, Bourne-esque hand-to-hand duels, vehicle chases, Woo-inspired double-gun shoot-em-ups, and even a zero-gravity brawl. All are mostly successful in their staging, and in validating my liberal use of hyphens. Doubly notable is the way that Caruso transitions between each style as multiple concurrent battles go down. It can get a bit numbing at times, a bit choppy too, but the sheer magnitude of the task outweighs any small technical snafus. Or maybe I’m just not extreme enough.
However, I did have oatmeal for breakfast and I ADDED MY OWN BLUEBERRIES, so I’m not willing to cast doubt on my extremeness yet.
Overall, is a critic-proof blast. To dislike this movie is to have expected the wrong movie. It’s a big, fun, EXTREME piece of entertainment with the singular goal of face-punching its audience. It even has enough silly cameos and franchise Easter eggs so make all 3 of us X-heads happy.
Added note: This is easily the most diverse cast ever assembled in an action movie, which just adds another reason to spend your money.
