In the interest of getting “hard” copies of my work under one roof, I plan to spend the next few weeks posting the entire archive of my film journalism here on ScullyVision. With due respect to the many publications I’ve written for, the internet remains quite temporary, and I’d hate to see any of my work disappear for digital reasons. As such, this gargantuan project must begin! I don’t want to do it. I hate doing it. But it needs to be done. Please note that my opinions, like everyone’s, have changed a LOT since I started, so many of these reviews will only represent a snapshot in time. Objectivity has absolutely no place in film criticism, at least not how I do it.
Originally posted on Cinema76.
Avengers: Infinity War is the largest crossover even since the Scooby-Doo gang solved mysteries with Phyllis Diller, and despite my reservations about the Russo brothers’ ability to shoot action, I am considerably pumped. Since RyGuy is looking back and recapping the entire MCU like the superhero that he is, I’ve decided instead to look forward and make a few predictions about the Marvel’s biggest cinematic project yet.
1. This movie will focus on the Infinity Stones!
That’s right! While most people would look at the title and think that it refers to a war that lasts forever, I’ve used context clues assembled from the entire filmography of the MCU as well as blink-and-you-miss-it moments from the Infinity War trailer to figure out the true meaning of the title. My guess (don’t @ me) is that Thanos, the big purply guy from a multitude of post-credits sequences, is attempting to collect all of the Infinity Stones in an effort to punch planets. If you look closely at that screenshot up there you’ll see that either Thanos is preparing the famed Infinity Gauntlet, or he’s a big Liberace fan. Either could be true, and both would be welcome, but my money is on the former!
2. Iron Man may or may not die.
The rumor mills are churning as we superfans try and figure out who amongst our beloved roster of world protectors, if anyone, will ultimately die during Infinity War. At this juncture, the brains behind the business have seen fit to keep all of our favorites alive, despite the general rule that nobody in comic book media is ever actually dead. Still, being a movie and all, we can assume that Avenger deaths will feel slightly more permanent. So who will it be? A lot of folks are guessing Iron Man or Captain America, given that both Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans have expressed a desire to move on from the MCU. Time will tell, but we can be sure about one thing: Iron Man will either die in Infinity War or he will continue to live and be in more movies.
3. That guy with the beard? Captain America!
You heard it here first, readers! That hunky guy with a beard running around in a nondescript uniform is Steve Rogers, aka Captain America! “But there’s no shield!” you surely exclaim. Well allow me to point your attention to the end of Captain America: Civil War, when good ol’ Cap left his shield behind after fighting Iron Man over laws and dead parents. “But what about the beard” you ask? I’ve got an answer for that too! Yes, Captain America typically does not wear a beard, but one could easily imagine he’s had very little time for personal hygiene. Take me, for example. I very often fluctuate from having a beard to not having a beard and back again, usually due to laziness, and I’m just a guy who writes about movies. Can you imagine the pressure I’d be under if an intergalactic war were to break out and I were tasked with fighting on the front lines? Sorry, babyface, but you might have to wait until things cool off before seeing the light of day again!
4. Edward Norton will not be returning as the Incredible Hulk.
We all know that Ed Norton (The Bourne Legacy) spent precisely one movie as the MCU’s not-so-jolly green giant, The Incredible Hulk. But in the years since, it appears that he’s been replaced by Mark Ruffalo (Now You See Me 2). There were rumors that this casting change was due to Norton’s allegedly difficult demeanor, but I think we all know the real reason: The Incredible Hulk was a garbage movie, and Mark Ruffalo was in Zodiac. It’s an obvious move, and the suits behind the MCU were smart to make it. So why would they switch back to Norton after Ruffalo brought such depth to the role? Well, they wouldn’t. At least that’s what I think!!
5. Vision, who can do anything, won’t.
In Avengers: Age of Ultron, Tony Stark’s computer was made into a sentient being named Vision. I forget the details of how, but it was something like “lightning strikes a computer and an Infinity Stone.” It was cool. The thing is, Vision has the best superpower of any superhero ever: the ability to do literally anything at all at any time with next to no effort. But despite his ability to do anything, he seems to be limited by his imagination (programming?) and usually proceeds to do nothing except fly around and pimp it with Scarlet Witch. It’s cool, even computers and witches deserve love, but it seems like such a waste of abilities. ONE WOULD HOPE that when Thanos shows up, Vision will be all like “don’t worry guys, I’m just gonna un-exist him with my mind, gimme like 2 seconds,” but really he’ll probably just be like “I’ve been trying to learn how to cook dinner for my lady, but I’m actually just a soulless machine who is unable to conjure the most important ingredient of all: love.” It’s probable that he’ll eventually learn about love and make a great meal as a result, likely in a zinger of a post-credits gag, but I don’t see why he can’t just space-laser the bigger problems into oblivion before doing so. I would if I had space-lasers and stuff.
So that’s it for my predictions. I’m pretty confident, but if the MCU has taught me anything it’s to always be ready for a big surprise that never actually comes since brand management is king.
Agree? Disagree? Have some predictions of your own? Great! Let’s hear em in the comments!
