In the interest of getting “hard” copies of my work under one roof, I plan to spend the next few weeks posting the entire archive of my film journalism here on ScullyVision. With due respect to the many publications I’ve written for, the internet remains quite temporary, and I’d hate to see any of my work disappear for digital reasons. As such, this gargantuan project must begin! I don’t want to do it. I hate doing it. But it needs to be done. Please note that my opinions, like everyone’s, have changed a LOT since I started, so many of these reviews will only represent a snapshot in time. Objectivity has absolutely no place in film criticism, at least not how I do it.
I’ve always had mixed feelings about the Bourne franchise. Initially I disliked them, but upon revisiting the entire series, I’ve really grown to appreciate them for what they are: well-choreographed but abysmally shot ‘Dad-thrillers’ that pit a super-soldier against THE SYSTEM. They follow a simple, easily repeatable formula, and unlike Bond, McClane, or any member of the Fast Fambly, they keep a foot in the door of reality.
Well, until Jason Bourne, which flies off of the deep end and into a world of pure fantasy (and frankly, is all the better for it). As I sat in a state of incredulity regarding the universal laws of the newest Bourne world, I began to think of the action tropes which, due to their inherent falsities, rarely fail to divorce me from the film.
1. The perfectly silent silencer.
You see this in just about every action flick ever made. The hitman uses a suction cup and a diamond to cut a hole in the window, sneak in like a cat-burglar, and watch their victim as they sleep. With a gloved hand, the hitman screws a small tube onto the end of his/her pistol. When they pull the trigger, a non-threatening, barely audible pew-pew accompanies the silent kick of the gun, and they are able to leave as easily as they came, with no witnesses any the wiser. Yet, as they navigate the laser grid, the pattern of which they’ve memorized via a strict training regimen involving yarn, I find myself stewing. That’s just not how silencers work. In fact, they basically don’t work at all. The average gun report is roughly 150 decibels. A silencer can get that down to 110 decibels, which is still very loud. So sorry, movies. I’m not buying it.
2. Exploding a car with a rag in the gas tank.
What does a secret agent do when in need of a quick distraction? Just soak a rag in a flammable liquid, stuff it in the gas tank of a parked car, and ignite. In about 5 seconds there will be a huge, well-contained explosion that should distract the agent’s pursuers for just long enough to allow our hero to parkour away (and if he’s Jason Bourne, he’ll probably find a nice place to call his pursuers to let them know that he can see what color shirt they are wearing).
Well, if Mythbusters is to be believed, and it is, this simply does not work. One of the most important things to consider when designing a car is that it’s a machine which operates on controlled mini-explosions. The entire system has to be extremely stable before it can ever be mass produced, let alone considered for market. If cars were this easy to explode, we wouldn’t be allowed to have them. Sorry, movie, but I’m calling BS. Even you, No Country for Old Men.
3. Enhance!
Every single modern espionage thriller uses his laughable device. THE SYSTEM checks their closed circuit footage in search of their target when – what’s this? It appears that a blurry figure loosely resembles the exact person they’re looking for. The oldest man in the nicest suit yells “enhance that image!” The nerdy-but-cocky tech guy punches his fingers into the keyboard at lightning speed, and the blurry image comes through in full detail. Lo and behold, it’s an image of the exact person THE SYSTEM seeks.
Do I even have to explain this? If the data ain’t there, it ain’t there. Only so many pixels exist, and any further enhancement would have to be the result of digital guesswork. And in the world of cinematic espionage, I can see a lot of unfortunately similar looking bystanders being killed by “silenced” weapons as a result.
Sorry, movies. FAAAAAAAAKE.
4. Massive head trauma can be walked off.
There’s a specific moment in Jason Bourne in which our hero has a very heavy dumbbell smashed into his skull … twice. He is not harmed by this attack, which would surely cause 100% of people to be immediately comatose, if not dead. In fact, he barely seems to notice as he stands up, snaps the leg off of a chair, and beats his attacker unconscious with it. Ya know, because wooden chair legs are a much more effective blunt force trauma weapon than heavy iron plates.
You see this all the time. Either the hero can’t be knocked out by even the most brutal blows, or the villains are immediately rendered unconscious by a single punch. In either case, those who have had their lights put out will be just fine in a few.
I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure I can speak with some authority when I say I’m not buying what you’re selling, movie.
5. Under fire? Just get behind anything at all.
Table, chair, doorway, a hanging piece of tissue paper – all make a shield that is impervious to gunfire, if you’re the hero.
I needn’t say much more about this one.
