From the Archives: Movies I’d Like to See: Harold & Kumar Meet Jason

From the Archives: Movies I’d Like to See: Harold & Kumar Meet Jason

In the interest of getting “hard” copies of my work under one roof, I plan to spend the next few weeks posting the entire archive of my film journalism here on ScullyVision. With due respect to the many publications I’ve written for, the internet remains quite temporary, and I’d hate to see any of my work disappear for digital reasons. As such, this gargantuan project must begin! I don’t want to do it. I hate doing it. But it needs to be done. Please note that my opinions, like everyone’s, have changed a LOT since I started, so many of these reviews will only represent a snapshot in time. Objectivity has absolutely no place in film criticism, at least not how I do it. 

Without further ado, I present to you: FROM THE ARCHIVES.

Originally posted on Cinema76.

I’ve had an idea for a movie swimming around in my head for over a decade now, and I’d like to share it with you. For as long as I’ve been watching movies, I’ve been a huge fan of any movie where Abbott and Costello “meet” a monster, the finest example being Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein. Something about this format just works. Comedy and horror have always been bedfellows of a sort, and the only thing more entertaining than watching a couple of terrified goofballs deal with a monster is watching a monster struggle to dispatch a couple of terrified goofballs. I would love to see a return to this classic format, but instead of Abbott & Costello, it’s Harold & Kumar, and instead of Frankenstein’s monster, it’s Jason Voorhees.

The movie almost writes itself.

After refusing a drug test, Harold is unhappy to have been passed over for a promotion. He’s beginning to wonder if all of the time he’s put into being an office drone was a waste, so he decides to burn a few vacation hours and rethink his life.

Meanwhile, Kumar, now a doctor, is happy to be prescribing medical marijuana cards for just about anyone who asks. He’s rolling in dough and generally living the life, but his absentee style of parenting has caused marital tension. His wife has kicked him out until he can get it together.

As a result, Kumar decides to go on a vision quest and coerces a reluctant Harold to join him for a camping trip. This is were they end up crossing paths with a group of young coeds (a jock, a slut, a virgin, and a stoner, amongst others), and into the grasp of Jason Voorhees.

As their new friends gruesomely meet their ends one by one, Harold and Kumar, both savvy to the “rules” of a slasher movie end up being the voices of maturity and reason, advocating against sex and drugs, simply as a method of keeping these young kids alive.

A few plot points:

– Neil Patrick Harris, also on a vision quest (to the knowledge of Kumar, not Harold), is aggressively trying to bed the party girl, and it breaks Kumar’s heart to have to get in the way of an NPH conquest.

– Pamela Voorhees will make an appearance as the owner of a head shop which, once Harold enters, is revealed to be a shop filled with human heads.

– A character will take a hit of marijuana, get stabbed to death, and then Kumar will go out of his way to inhale the smoke rising from the stab wounds.

– Amongst the campers there are two boys whom Harold and Kumar view as younger versions of themselves. They take these misguided boys under their wings and unexpectedly learn more about themselves and their roles as adults.

– Our heroes will eventually get stoned with Jason, and in doing so discover that he’s not a bad guy, he’s just misunderstood.

– Freakshow (Christopher Meloni, reprising his role from the original film) turns out to be good friends with the Voorhees family, perhaps even related by some stretch, and provides an “in” for Harold and Kumar

– The Voorhees family unknowingly lives on a natural pot farm. Harold and Kumar teach them to cultivate and smoke weed, causing Jason and his mom to turn over a new, non-violent leaf (pun maybe sorta intended)

– Harold & Kumar go into business with the Voorhees family. Jason and Pamela tend he crops, Dr. Kumar pushes it, and Harold does the books. The strong bond between Jason and his mother inspires Kumar to be a better father/husband, and the business is successful enough for Harold to not only quit his job, but to buy controlling shares of his previous employer.

Everybody lives happily ever after.

Wellllll, until it’s time to do it all again, because…

During a post-credits sequence, everyone is sitting around their new office getting high, when suddenly Freddy Krueger appears and slaughters each and every character in hilariously gruesome ways. This is of course a dream. Jason snaps awake in his office chair and stabs his machete into a desk reactively. His boss, Kumar, sees this and says “Hey, big guy. I don’t pay you to sleep!” This might even be a good time for the two of them to look directly at the camera for a freeze frame, because why not?

I’d watch it.


Leave a Reply