The January movie is back baybeeeeee, and this time it comes in the form of Greenland 2: Migration, the sequel to the surprisingly fun survival thriller starring the inimitable Gerard Butler. Good news for people who want to hear ol’ Gerry Butts yelling a word that’s wholly incompatible with his mouth (it’s “marauders”), but bad news for anyone looking for anything beyond surface level thrills.
For those who don’t remember, the first film ended with Butts and his family reaching a compound in Greenland where they’d be safe from an apocalyptic weather event. Canonically, all of us in the audience are likely dead, but our heroes have made it, and now they can wait it out, grow some food, and repopulate Earth. Where Migration begins, the world is generally uninhabitable due to latent radiation and the frequent and sudden onset of less-apocalyptic (but still very dangerous) weather events. We’ll call them “geostorms.” After one of these events, the survival compound suffers a catastrophic collapse, and all of its denizens are forced to flee. Only a handful make it to the safety of lifeboats, while the rest are dispatched with a violent, uninspired stroke of the screenwriter’s pen, lest we spend any amount of time worrying about anyone but our three heroes (Butts, Mrs. Butts, and Butts Boy).
Where does one go amidst a radioactive world filled with spontaneous geostorms? According to Dr. Exposition, there’s a giant impact crater from the initial event, and theoretically, it should be a perfectly safe, verdant place to start again. This is because science. Unfortunately for our heroes it’s very far away, and there are desperate, irradiated people (marauders!) and military men who stand in the way of anyone trying to reach the crater. No word on why none of said marauders or military men don’t go into the crater — they much prefer to hang out around it and shoot guns each other.
The bulk of the film takes the form of our heroes hopping from precarious location to precarious location, surviving said precarious location’s precariousness while everyone around them dies horribly, and then moving to the next precarious location. This is all set to the ticking time bomb of Butts’ health, which is failing due to having fought too many geostorms. Seriously, one geostorm is equal to well over 300 Spartans.
Director Ric Roman Waugh has created for himself a fun little genre niche. He makes functional, exciting thrillers that cater to the emotions that live on the corner of Butt Rock Drive and I Respect You Bro Avenue. I am admittedly a sucker for such things, and to Waugh’s credit, he knows how to make an action sequence feel alive even when it’s almost entirely digitally rendered. He’s also very good at evoking beefy Nickekback emotions, and doing so in earnest. I can’t fault him for any of it, and frankly, I really enjoy having my Dad-aged heart manipulated so thoroughly (I can only imagine how it makes actual dads feel!!).
Let’s be honest, if you’ve seen Greenland and know how sequels work, you know the exact movie you’re going to get with Migration. And even though I can’t really call it a good movie, it was a pleasant enough distraction, and mindless enough that I didn’t mind the dude in the second row who had his flashlight activated throughout the bulk of the film, apparently so he could look at his shoe. Yes, his foot was on the seat in front of him, and he spent most of the movie investigating his shoe. I can only assume that he had never left his house before, or is an idiot who should never leave his house again.
While I’m on the topic of idiots who should never leave their houses again, I figure that I should mention rapist-in-chief Donald Hussein Trump, just in case there’s someone googling his plan to invade Greenland and somehow lands on this review as a result. To the person who is googling this because they disapprove of Trump’s administration, hello friend, I am also scared of the current moment. To the person googling it because they support this administration of fascist shit-gibbons, I’m sorry, but the statute of limitations has run out on “I got duped by a conman while stuck in two-party bondage.” You are past the point of me ever forgiving you for your unwillingness to open your mind even the tiniest bit. It is now my mission to make sure you are uncomfortable and unwelcome in every social situation within which I am unfortunate enough to share space with you. You can no longer hide behind “I didn’t know any better.” You’re just an asshole now, and I invite you to never visit my website again.
Directed by Ric Roman Waugh
Written by Mitchell LaFortune, based on characters created by Chris Sparling
Starring Gerard Butler, Morena Baccarin, Amber Rose Revah, Roman Griffin Davis
Rated PG-13, 98 minutes
