I’ve eaten plenty of Pop-Tarts in my day. I couldn’t tell you exactly how many of the legendary toaster pastries I’ve consumed over the course of my lifetime, but it’s more than is nutritionally advisable, that’s for damn sure. I’ve had them in just about every flavor that’s available, and I’ve had them in many different ways: frosted, unfrosted, toasted, raw-dog — I’ve even buttered a few of them (don’t judge me until you’ve tried it). I, like many Americans my age, could reasonably be considered a Pop-Tart connoisseur, and that’s why I feel comfortable saying the following sentence:
Pop-Tarts are terrible.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Pop-Tarts, and I’m sure you do too, but we can surely agree that they are a uniquely terrible food. In fact, they’re barely a food at all. They are what’s known as an “edible food product” — a consumable made not in a kitchen, but in a lab. There’s nothing of substance to it, but goddamnit it feels good for the few minutes that it’s on your tongue.
In this way, Unfrosted is a rather fitting tribute to the toasty treat. There’s very little substance in Jerry Seinfeld’s directorial debut, which tells a silly, minimally-factual account of the dawn of Kellogg’s’s iconic breakfast item, but for the 90 or so minutes it takes to watch it, it’s a grand ol’ time.
Seinfeld stars as Bob Cabana, a high-ranking executive in the Kellogg’s corporation, run by Edsel Kellogg III (Jim Gaffigan). The company is currently in a race with rival company Post to create a shelf-stable, no-milk-required breakfast item which will surely put either corporation ahead of the other. This doesn’t sit well with Marjorie Post (Amy Schumer) or the dairy industry, represented here by devious milkmen, the leader of whom is played with gusto by Christian Slater. The film also stars Hugh Grant as Thurl Ravenscroft, the legendary actor who has been hired to voice Tony the Tiger, Melissa McCarthy as Donna Stankowski, Bob’s lab assistant, as well as every other comedic actor who has ever existed. Bobby Moynihan plays Chef Boyardee, James Marsden is Jack Lalanne, Adrian Martinez is Tom Carvel, and Jack McBrayer is Steve Schwinn, the bicycle guy. You get it, and this is only about 2-3% of the film’s cast of recognizable faces. Yes, Unfrosted is a parade of cameos, a creative choice that typically annoys the fuck out of me (I’m looking at you, Apatow), but for some reason it’s an asset here. My suspicion is that it’s on account of how consistently silly the film is. There’s not an ounce of seriousness to it. And really, the best performances aren’t credited to any of the many celebrities, but rather to newcomers Bailey Sheetz and Eleanor Sweeney as two precocious youngsters who our heroes(?) enlist to provide insight on how to connect with America’s children.
The tone of Unfrosted is similar to those old Merry Melodies shorts that would step away from Bugs and the gang to instead give a short documentary about the space race, the future of automobiles or, in a personal favorite, a portable hole. The town of Battle Creek Michigan is suitably bright and colorful, filled to bursting with references to the cereal brands currently at war and a variety of other pop culture touchstones (this is one of few areas where Unfrosted is factual — Battle Creek is colloquially known as Cereal City here in the real world). It’s not a particularly artful look, but it draws the eye in a playful way that is unique amongst (presumably) digitally shot streamers, likely due to the eye of Bill Pope, legendary cinematographer.
This isn’t to take a stab at Seinfeld’s directing chops. Having spent a decade at the center of a sitcom, it would be ridiculous to assume he didn’t emerge from the experience with a working knowledge of how to shoot a script. It’s not like a silly lark about food products needs to have huge swaths of directorial ambition, but in terms of pacing and the creation of visual punchlines, his style fits the bill. The number one rule of comedy, as we all know, is timing. Seinfeld certainly understands this and is able to translate it into a cinematic language that works. He’s also pretty good from an acting perspective (a running gag on the rather meta fourth season of Seinfeld is that he’s not much of an actor at all), even if he’s not doing much but being Seinfeld.
With a comedy as broad and silly as this one, there are certain to be a few gags that simply don’t work, but the hit ratio remains quite high, and the gags come at such a clip that it’s hard to get hung up on any of the material that doesn’t work. The cynic in me fought against this movie at every turn, but was ultimately pummeled into submission by the sheer number of jokes, most of which evoke at least a chuckle, with more than a few providing big belly laughs. I won’t spoil my favorite cameo on account of it being such a hilarious reveal, so I’ll just say this: Unfrosted provides the most inspired casting for JFK that I’ve ever seen. It’s so obvious that I don’t know how it hasn’t happened already, but I also don’t know how anyone could have predicted it (sorta like the Doritos Locos Tacos). It’s perfection, and it had me doubling over any time the President opened his mouth.
Littered throughout the film’s highly fictionalized account of the race to make a shelf-stable fruit goop are small bits of actual history (yes, Kellogg’s and Post really did race to make shelf-stable goop), and it’s easy to parse out which elements are based in fact. Fans of history may find themselves as tantalized to know more as I was. I‘d love to watch a documentary about the real story as a companion piece to Unfrosted. Step it up, Netflix, you poop out documentaries like I poop out poopupooperies, so get a move on.
I do not get the sense that this movie will be loved — in fact, I think most people are preparing themselves to hate it* — but I’m not sure what anyone really expects from it besides exactly what it delivers, and what it delivers is a high-energy, high-concept comedy with no higher ambition than to give you the giggles for a little while. Sometimes you don’t want a complete, balanced breakfast. Sometimes you just want a Pop-Tart.
Directed by Jerry Seinfeld
Written by Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Feresten, Andy Robin, Barry Marder
Starring Jerry Seinfeld, Melissa McCarthy, Isaac Bae, Jim Gaffigan, everyone else who has ever lived.
*a lot of the pre-packaged hate for this film are a result of a very recent interview in which Seinfeld purportedly “blamed the woke PC left” for the death of comedy. But here’s the thing: he didn’t do that. He said nothing of the sort. Yes, he used the terms “extreme left” and “PC crap,” terms which do tend to get people on edge, but if we put aside our increasing media illiteracy we’d see that he quite literally blames corporate committees for taking comedy out of the hands of the comic in order to kowtow to the loud minority that is the professionally butthurt. Not only does the offending clip start with Seinfeld saying “Nothing really affects comedy,” but it ends with him saying “they move the gates, like in skiiing. Culture —the gates are moving. Your job is to be agile and clever enough, that wherever they put the gates…I’m gonna make the gate.” So for all the people who love to point out that it’s up to the comic to “know their audience,” it seems Jerry Seinfeld agrees with you, but you were too excited to be mad at him to actually hear it. It’s almost like he has a point.
