Whenever a movie like Madame Web comes around that no one expects to be any good and thus everyone feels okay poo-pooing, it’s in my nature to stand up for it in some way; to find that one good thing which everyone should consider before dismissing it outright. I went into Madame Web with confidence that it couldn’t be all bad, and with expectations in check, it might even be enjoyable. Yet within minutes I realized this task would be in vain. The latest entry from the Sony superhero canon is not bad in the way the typical superhero movies can be bad. It’s bad in whole new ways — ways that I found to be shocking, and that the audience found consistently risible.
Wait! That’s it! That’s the silver lining! The one good thing about Madame Web is that its unintentional comedy hit ratio is as high as many intentionally comedic movies. Be it a wonky line reading, a ridiculous plot development, or the fact that the villain’s performance is almost entirely ADRed (and quite sloppily, I might add), Madame Web consistently evokes laughter, which is fun if you can get past how interminably boring it is overall.
The film takes place in a different universe than the MCU, and it’s unclear whether or not it is meant to connect to the short-lived Amazing Spider-Man series. This is ostensibly a standalone origin story for the titular hero, but that doesn’t prevent the script from being wishy washy about it. Minor spoiler alert: Uncle Ben is a character in this movie, played by Adam Scott, and his sister is currently with child. Who could that be? Madame Web dances around saying Peter Parker’s name outright, going so far as to have a baby shower where they play a name guessing game that ends before anyone guesses correctly. I’m not joking.
Madame Web is set in 2003, but it’s pretty clear that this timeframe was decided after the fact, and the film was originally supposed to be set in the ‘90s. I imagine this decision was made to divorce the narrative from any currently-existing Spider-Man cinema. It makes for a wonky version of 2003 New York where no one has a cell phone, the internet is something only supervillains have, and Britney Spears is considered a brand new artist by radio DJs when introducing a needle drop of Toxic, a song that was released at the height of the pop-star’s fame. There’s even a gigantic billboard of Beyoncé’s Dangerously In Love that is so clearly a digital addition to the scenery that it’s hilarious. No lie, it floats and jiggles. Really, it’s a lot of work for a meaningless change. But hey, maybe I’m wrong and 2003 was the plan the whole time and the script just sucks like that.
Anywho, Dakota Johnson plays Cassandra Webb, an adult orphan who works as a first responder (no mention of 9/11 in her ranks — another point for “this was supposed to be the ‘90s”). While pregnant and researching the healing capabilities of a certain type of spider in the Amazon, Cassandra’s mother was betrayed and killed by her partner Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), who aimed to use the spider to give himself superpowers or something. Here in the present day — er, bobo 2003, Cassandra gets into an insane car/bridge accident which unlocks her ability to see the future in bursts. This newfound ability places her into the path of three young women whose character names I don’t feel like looking up, but they’re played by Sydney Sweeney, Celeste O’ Connor, and Isabela Merced. You see, this trio of young women are being targeted by the guy who killed Cassandra’s mom, because he has visions of the three of them one day killing him, which he’d like to prevent. Cassandra has visions of him killing the girls, so she takes it upon herself to protect them. Make sense? No? That’s fine, you don’t care, I promise. Anything else you need to know will be explained to you when Cassandra talks out loud to a stray cat who exists just to receive exposition.
The bulk of the film is the foursome of women bouncing from one baffling location to another while running from Ezekiel, who mostly just barks orders (from offscreen, via ADR) to a lady who has a computer that can do anything and see everything and find anybody. Every once in a while they scrap, and then bounce to a new spot.
There’s not a whole lot of action, but you wouldn’t know it from the absolutely insane edit. Few shots occur without a snap zoom in and/or out, and the filmmakers never use fewer than ten shots when one or two would do just fine. It’s the herkiest jerkiest movie you’re apt to (try and) see, with large chunks of action that can only register as total nonsense. Add to that the insertion of Cassandra’s premonitions and most sequences devolve into chaos. And since the action cannot be engaged with, the sequences tend to bore, failing to add any pep to the film’s otherwise bland pace.
What results is a film consistently at odds with itself. It’s as busy as a film can be, putting tons of effort into all the wrong things, defying the viewer to be entertained by its ridiculous plot and garish visuals. Again, the bar here is low, but it’s a shame that the filmmaking is so shockingly shoddy, because there’s a version of this script that could be a lot of fun, especially if the performers offer it the same level of commitment that they do here. But as it is it feels like no one actually wanted to make this movie. It feels like the Sony wing of Marvel just wanted to poop out something that could maybe turn a small profit by being Spider-Man adjacent — just a little bit of something recognizable that’ll give the diehards their fix until next time.
Oh, and did you know that a shattered pane of glass looks like a spider web? Well if you didn’t, you will by the end of Madame Web, a film that uses this visual motif more times than you would believe.
Directed by S.J. Clarkson
Written by Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless, Claire Parker, S.J. Clarkson, Kerem Sanga
Starring Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O’Connor
Rated PG-13, 117 minutes